I know I am not the best parent at all times. Maybe not even half the time. But I do try. I put in effort. While at work, I think of games to play with Mads when I get home. I read parenting books when I am stumped about something and need a perspective that is not mine. I listen to what other parents have done and take what I can from those experiences. I try to be calm and not let my own anger take over.
Simply, I really do try and I know that I can be a great mom, even if I'm not there yet.
I don't like to talk about my marriage much right now. I don't like to think of the things Kei says to Mads that make my heartbreak. I do think of them...but I hate to. I have highlighted Dr. Sears books. I have printed and emailed articles to Kei. I have backed off and let them figure things out themselves. Kei can be a great a great dad. But he also hurts Mads in ways that tear me up. Nothing physical, but emotionally.
I worry and hope that I will be able to be enough of a parent to Mads that he will still grow to be the man I hope he will be. I worry and hope that Kei finds it in himself to change (because I can not change him and I am doing my own soulwork on that issue). I don't mean big changes either. Just more love, more respect, more caring. More playing instead of movie watching. More encouragement and involvement instead of disappointment and telling Mads to go play.
Most of all, I worry that I might have to provide for Mads and myself with out Kei one day.
It breaks my heart.
I hate the idea.
But I hate hearing Mads say that Daddy doesn't like him.