My week-to-be

All I want for Christmas is a full night of sleep and to be healthy. The coughing fits and the headaches that they cause are really not my cup of tea. (Yes, I know - in the grand scheme of things, coughing fits and nights spent waking up in coughing fits are really NOT that huge of a deal - but in my world, they suck big time.)

We have hung the stockings and a few garlands. Tomorrow, my Dad will be bringing over their 7ft fakalicious tree for us to use this year. I have no idea how it will fit in the living room, but where there's a will, there's a way. The focal point of our decorating is the tree, and I'm looking forward to decorating a big tree with Mads. It will be the first "big" tree that our little family has ever had - all the other years, we've used a small table top tree. I'm a little sad to not use our little tree this year, in a nostalgic way.

Thursday is the Holiday Party for Mad's school. Am I a Grinch for not looking forward to it? We are such black sheep at these events - all of the other parents know each other and see each other often. We've tried to break into the circles, and no such luck. Bah. I will still try to make cupcakes and hope for the best. (note to self: look up recipe for holiday cupcakes)

I'm hoping Kei will take all or part of Friday off work. I need the help with listing things for sale on Etsy and Craigs. We need the money ASAP and I want the stuff out of the garage ASAP. It's the starting point to getting the garage turned into the studio and I can not seem to find the time to get it done! I figure that if we have the time to work on it together, then it will get done faster than if I worked on it solo. At least, that's what I'm hoping ;-) Also, Friday I am going to work a craft fair with Leigh, and hope that our stuff sells! Granted, the majority of work and money spent on materials has been hers, so I doubt I'll make anything from this. But it is good experience I figure, plus I get the grown-up time. After all the chaos and yucky feeling these past weeks, I want the grown-up time! Hopefully, I'll be feeling well enough for her and I to go out to dinner afterwards too.

Working this weekend - though I hope to go out with a friend either Sunday evening or sometime on Monday. Which reminds me - I really should get back to cleaning and knitting scarves for the monkeys!

It's December 1st!

Photo found on flickerby Nina S. Photography

It's Christmas Month!!!

Usually I've got the bins of decorations out, the holiday cds playing, and I am getting all holly-jolly with myself today. But instead, the house is quiet, the bins are still out in the garage, and I am sitting at my desk, trying to sip water and tea because I am still sick. The is month crept up on me!

Mads stayed the night at my parent's house last night. I miss him like crazy, but with how sick I felt last night, it was probably better that he was not home. My chest was tight and for the last two days I had been having a hard time breathing. Today, I woke up with out my voice and a bright red throat. :-( I'm trying to take it easy before he gets home, but I will probably still go out to the garage and get the bins.

"What's that? I can't 'ear you!"

Another thing keeping me from my usual holiday glory is that I have been super busy and this sickness is exhausting me. Even without the as-yet-unknown illness I've been fighting this last month, I have a lot on my plate. I am starting a crafty business with a friend. It's hard to think of it as a business, but what else do you call making sock monkeys, sock monkey kits, clothes for monkeys, and beaded jewelery for people? I have a few things I plan to make separately and sell in an etsy shop, but that is still in the developing stages. (Developing stages = I bought all the materials for them, and just have to get my ass in gear after I finish the three sock monkeys I have in varying degrees of done.)



Speaking of Mads sleeping somewhere else - he has been sleeping in his own bed for over a week now. It started off as him and I sleeping in there one night when Kei was sick, and now we have a routine of me and him laying down together in his bed while Kei or I read stories. Then, Mads drifts off to sleep, and I get up. The first few nights, he'd come find me at 3am and ask me to go snuggle with him more. But now he sleeps all night in his room, solo. It's weird for me to get used to and I'm wondering how I will do when it starts storming (I like having my mancub right next to me so I can be sure he's fine and safe). But he is proud of himself and likes having his own sleeping space. One night when I was out with a friend, Kei said Mads went to bed by himself - just said he was sleepy, and off he went. Kei barely was able to tuck him in before he was asleep. I've told Mads that if he ever wants to sleep with us, it is still ok, but that we are proud of him too. He shows no interest in being in our bed for sleeping anymore though, other than a few lazy mornings when Kei didn't get up so he was snuggled with for a bit. My little mancub is getting so big!



Thanksgiving

Mads has a room full of toys but still prefers empty bins.


Mads and my Dad - Thanksgiving Evening

It was so nice to have time off with Kei and Mads! Thanksgiving Day we spent at home. We worked on Mad's room a bit, since it had been completely gutted. Kei and Mads hung a shelf over Mad's kitchen. He now has a place to put his dishes, cups, and "spices", other than trying to cram it all into his kitchen cabinets. I still need to make a mesh net to put his Care Bears in - the type that hangs on the wall or in a corner. I hope to find a pattern online, but if not I'm sure I could wing it. We went to my parents house in the evening. Lots and lots of great food. My mum made these delicious feta-filled pastries with sweet chili sauce. I over ate and didn't feel so great (waaaaaay too many carbs!!!) but was able to blob on the couch after dinner with family and watch a movie. Everyone wanted to watch Joe's Apartment, so Mads, Kei, and my mum went in the other room to watch Wow, Wow, Wubzy. I like the characters but can hardly stand the show so Kei didn't mind me watching Joe's Apartment with my uncles. (It was a little gross in some parts, and a bit violent in some parts, but overall hilarious, btw!!!)

The day after Thanksgiving, I was up at 4:45am, so that I could be at Joann's at 5:15am. They opened at 6am, but I didn't get done until around 12noon. I spent an insane amount, but saved at least 4 times as much because of all the discounts. After that, I went home, ate a huge lunch while Kei and Mads got ready, then we all headed to the Zoo. It was free! We rarely get the family time, let alone have the money for stuff like that, so we all were excited. Even though it was packed, we found a really good parking spot. We spent almost three hours looking at the animals, had a bite to eat, then looking at the animals some more. I took over a roll of film worth of photos, and once they get developed I will post them. Mads really liked the Orangutans and the Lemurs. I'm so conflicted about Zoos, esp. the Sacramento one since some of the enclosures are seriously lacking. The grumble-gus part of me was pretty much quieted by the excitement on Mad's face and the joy beaming from him. After the Zoo, Kei and Mads went to Kei's mom's to pick up some stuff she had for us while I went to a friend's to work on the monkeys and do a little shopping. I didn't plan on doing as much shopping as she wanted to, and was out later than I had planned. We went to Walmart (blah), In-and-Out (yum!), and Michael's. While in Michael's, I found a really awesome gift for Mads! It's an Eric Carle "My Numbers" Art Set! It was in the clearance section without a price tag(the velcro to hold it shut had come unglued on one side) , so I had no idea what it was going to cost. Normally, those sets cost $18.99. You can probably imagine my surprise when the cashier told me it was marked down to $2.00!!! $2.00!!! For a perfectly great kit!!!


We didn't plan to buy anything for Mads for Christmas since we already have things stored away for him, but I could not pass that up! I just wish there had been more - what an awesome gift idea!

Saturday, I had to work. That went fine. It was busy, but still dragged on. Afterwards, we had planned to drive out to the Jelly Belly Factory for their tree lighting ceremony.....but traffic was lame and none of us were really interested in being stuck in the car for a long time. Instead, we ran to Joann's again, which took so much longer than it should have, and then went to John's Incredible Pizza. I felt like a heel for taking so long in Joann's. Part of it was me, of course - I needed to pick up some buttons (50% off!) and discovered that they carry felt on the bolt. (-_-*). But the people they had cutting were soooooo slow. Luckily, the two people I had do my cuttings were very good and friendly, which made the waits worth it. (Yes, "waits" - I got a few things cut, then found the felt and had to go wait again).

Kei suggested John's Pizza, and it was such a great idea! The drive wasn't bad, just the usual traffic. It wasn't crowded and we never have gotten to go up there just the three of us, so it was another nice family outing for us. Now, I am a huge skee ball fan. I could play skee ball for hours. Mads never really seemed interested before, but they have an alien version that he discovered and he is now a skee ball convert. It was so cute - he'd get the ball in one of the holes and would start jumping up and down saying " Mommy, Daddy, I did it!!! I did it!!!" He was so proud of himself! I tried to get a video of it on my phone, but every time I took my phone out he'd stop. Little puck. (^_^) We spent our credits and had a fist full of tickets in no time. Instead of wiping out our tickets on one big item, Mads always gets a small toy and saves the rest of the tickets on our John's card. He picked a paddle ball like the one he saw on Curious George the other day. It's the kind that is a wooden paddle with a ball attached with a bit of stretchy string. Kei and I both have had bopped eyes as kids from those things, but Mads seems to already have some better skills than we did, lol!

Today

I'm a bit bummed to not be feeling good on my day off. I really wanted to go out with Mads and see if the Michael's near us had any of those Eric Carle sets, then go for a walk to the park to feed the ducks. I'm supposed to be taking it easy though, so I supposed a walk to the park in the fog isn't the best idea anyways. Here's my list of what I hope to accomplish today, in no particular order:

• Finish the two monkeys larger monkeys. Possibly start the small monkey for Kei.
• Get the holiday stuff from the garage
• Make a holiday playlist on iTunes / Limewire and put the holiday cds in the player.
  
• Bills, bills, bills. I've slacked since I've gotten sick and our finances are a bit wonky right now. I'm really hoping everything has been paid and have a sinking feeling that something has been forgotten...
• Put together an advent calendar for Mads - I meant to start this last month!
  
• Get some of the craft stuff out to the garage/studio.
  
• List stuff on craigslist - I have 9 bins/boxes of things to get rid of, it's all taking up valuable space in my garage/studio and needs to be gone!
• Rest, drink tea
• Do a load of washing, put away towels and Mad's clothes. Fold pants and skirts, maybe go through and match up socks.
• Spend time playing with Mads and reconnecting with him. I really miss him!
• Do a 30 min walk on the Gazelle - I've been slacking on that too. Probably will do a low paced walk, but need to do something, yk?
• Make a bento for Kei for tomorrow - again, slacking.

Let's hope I can do it all! (^_^) I really should apply for a couple more jobs, but I just don't feel that should be priority right now. As odd as that sounds.

Stich

A total aside to the barely-started post below...




There are many times in my life that I really can relate to the characters Lilo and Stitch. I have not been perfect, or close to it. I know I have been down right a pain at times. But I want sooooo badly to make things right, and do things right, and have a cute family that I do fun things with in our tidy house. But things are always a little off and not quite what I am for. Sometimes it's just a matter of quirkiness, sometimes it's an epic fail. But I have good intentions, and I really do want the happy family that I dream of. It's like I have all the parts, the instructions, and I can see all the other models working well....but still can't get the pieces put together right. So I just have to wing it and hope for the best.

Birth

I just read this post on "Mama is" . I haven't read the article yet, because I'm sure it will stir up some emotions in me that I am not wanting to work with this morning.

More thoughts on this when I have a chance - normally I would make a post like this private, then come back to it later, but blogger does not have such an option. :-(

This is brilliant!

Tomorrow's election is so frighteningly important.

I'm holding so much hope and prayers on Obama winning and on Prop. 8 being beaten.

I have a Halloween photo post to put up, but there is also 3/4s of a house to clean up, laundry to sort, a muddy Mads to keep an eye out for (he's outside playing in the rain, but tends to want to come in on a moments notice). Also, I'm damn anxious about tomorrow and want to go back to my denial world of cleaning and planning my studio. I'm a bit wound up and ill feeling when I think about all that tomorrow is going to offer. Our little family-world has a lot going on as it is, and then there's voting on top of it.

I may not be a drinker, but I might pick up a beer tomorrow after voting. I hope I will be drinking it while celebrating.

Things that go bump in the night

Kei is house sitting for his mom this week, so Mads and I have been home solo each night. Not bad, but we really miss him and our life is a little wonky right now.

Of course, Daddy not being home means that Mads and I watch pre-recorded episodes of "Hole in the Wall" until we fall asleep on the couch. Which of course means I wake up at 2 am, hot and unable to fall back asleep. (Yes, this seriously is routine for us, and it happens at least once each time Kei is not home overnight).

But this time, for some reason I decided to review the websites for the schools we are going to choose from to enroll Mads in for Kindergarten next year. The schools are all public schools, but I had forgotten that the open enrollment starts in January - and the scheduled tours for prospective new parents are starting. One of them is in 6 hours actually. One on hand, it's good that I decided to checkout the websites - but on the other hand, now I'm semi-awake and feeling anxious about Mads starting kindy.

I was really hoping to go to the tour that is in 6 hours, but think I might have to wait until the next tour which is on the 13th. I'm not sure if it's ok to bring your child with you during the tour...plus Kei would not be able to get out of work so last minute. Plus, let's be honest, if it's almost 4 am, I don't know if I'd be presentable and decent looking at 9 am to tour the really wonderful seeming school that I hope Mads gets into. I want to make a good impression, you know?

I can't believe this crept up so quickly. It seems like I was just saying that we have a year to decide on a school and that open enrollment tours weren't for another 6 months. Now, boom! we have 3 months to decide which school we want to put Mads in. Is he ready for kindy? Will we be ready? He's been picking up letters and numbers like a pro all of a sudden - but have we done enough? I hear of other kids around his age that can write their names, identify continents, and sight read simple words already. Mads can recognize his name, would rather cut apart words and rearrange the letters, and I can only convince him to hold a pencil "correctly" about 75% of the time. What about emotionally? Will he be ready to raise his hand to talk? Do they do that in kindy?? What about making new friends? The preschool transition was decent this last time, but when his two best buddies went off to kindy last September, he regressed a little and decided he no longer likes preschool. But in the past few months, he has also started saying "Good Morning" and "Good-bye" to his teachers - in the past he has refused to (he generally never has liked to say it to people, just teachers especially.) Will he make new friends? Ok, that's silly. Of course he'll make friends. I'm just getting nervous. Will he like his new teacher?

All these questions just sum up the biggest, truest question of all - how will I do when he goes to kindy? We plan for me to stop working (or at least dramatically cut back) once he's in kindy so that I can take him to and from school, along with being home for him afterwards each day so that we can work on homework together, talk about his day, and get him involved in after-school activities/sports. Will we be ready financially? Will I be able to put myself out of my comfort zone and introduce myself to the other parents? Will I really be able to be the enthusiastic and fun PTA mom I've been dreaming of being? Will I be able to make new friends too?

Money

So, here is the post where I lament about not having enough money. I'll complain that we have too many bills and can't get ahead on the almost-maxed-out-again credit cards we worked so hard to pay down. Lots of grumping and feelings of insecurity about my parenting capabilities due to not being able to send Mads to a Montessori school, pay the cost to take him to the zoo/museum/Jelly Belly Factory/on trips out of town, or work less hours and be home with him.

I'll ignore the fact that barely scraping by is still scraping by. I'll lose focus that we may not have much food, but we have family that cooks for us or gives us boxes of food for free. I'll forget that it's not what you buy for your kid, but what you do with them. Or maybe I will remember that, but still feel less than other parents who can provide those types of things to their kids.

So, there you go. Real blog soon.

Productive

We were majorly productive today. I woke up, had a good online conversation with a friend, made a scrambled eggs with ham omelette-y thing for Mads, and then watched a couple episodes of Arthur with him. Then, we played out front for a bit, walked to the park, fed ducks and played on the swings for an hour, then walked home. Mads had a tummy-ache when we got home, so he watched another episode of Arthur while drinking some tummy comfort tea. I made lunch/dinner. After eating, we went out back and put stuff away to prepare for the rain, he made himself into a mud monster while I talked on the phone with a friend, and then when Kei got home he cleaned up Mads and now they are at Walmart getting a tarp (to cover the VW Bus when it rains - the side door and roof leaks). Once they get back, we're going out to play Monster Mini Golf, then it will be home for bed.

Whew!

I actually want to put more little details in on this and have it flow better - but I'm short on time. Hopefully I'll be able to later :-)

Our House in the Middle

Since we will have been homeowners for as year (!!!) as of Oct. 25th, we've decided we should throw ourselves a belated housewarming/Day of the Dead-themed party.

To be honest, my thoughts on the theme came from this photo I found online while trying to get face makeup idea for our Halloween costumes:

That chicka's face makeup is bad-ass!

Of course, having people over to celebrate the cold air and general "We made is a year without going broke!" (semi-true....) happiness means.....there will be people in our house. Like, real people. People who I will be facing at work, people who go to school with Mads and we want to make a good impression on. People we've known for years and people we've known for months.

Besides the social anxiety I can feel coming on - my house is sooooo not party ready!

Kei took Friday off work and we attempted to clean the office. "Attempted" because the main problem with that room is that we need a few more black shelves, another book case, and a filing cabinet that doesn't resemble the Leaning Tower of Pisa. Also, Mr. "I'm-an-only-child-and-my-parents-are-home-together-for-a-change-look-at-me!!!" Mads was intent on asking me a question every 3 seconds and wanted all of the big books off of the bookcase. We tried to pacify him with crayons and maze books, but that lasted all of 20 mins. (Which was pretty good for him, actually). We didn't get as much done as I hoped for, lunch was delayed, tempers ran amok, and the day pretty much nose-dived into the concrete.

But, I'm trying to keep a Positive Mental Attitude about it. The office is in process now, and lots was done that would have been hard to do by myself. The whole house needs some work, every room has things that make me cringe a little. I have a month and a half to get this place really ready. I don't expect perfection, but between work, personal time with family and friends, and sleep, I'm pretty confident that I can wing this.

Heck, I might even post before and after pictures :-)

Mikey - long, sad post ahead

Yesterday, we had to put our cat Mikey to sleep.



Neither Kei nor I had seen him the past 2 days, and he wasn't around much for the past week. When Kei had last seen him, Mikey was grumbly but Kei didn't think much of it. Mikey was grumbly often and tended to hide in the garage for days at a time. He liked his personal space.

When I got home from work yesterday afternoon, Mikey was laying on our kitchen floor. Not too unusual...but he wasn't moving. When I called him, there was no response. I thought he was already dead. I got down on my hands and knees and looked at his face. He was barely breathing, his eyes were half open, and he kept swallowing oddly. I pet him, I talked to him, I opened a can of his favorite food and put some on a fork to feed to him. Nothing, not even an ear twitch.

At one point, he struggled to lift his head, let out a pained meow, then sat there staring at the cabinet doors. Our other two cats where freaked out, pacing and sniffing him constantly. At one point he just kept howling and growling at the cabinet. He didn't seem to see anything or hear anything.

I called Kei since I had to leave again. He was heading home, so I hurried and got dressed and ready to go. I head Mikey howl again, and somehow he had moved from the kitchen to the hallway. I went over and layed down on the floor next to him. His eyes closed and as I started to pet him and talk to him, he started to purr. His loud, motorboat purr. He closed his eyes and put his head on the floor. I was worried that he had fallen or had a seizure so I touched his back paws to see if he would react. He always hated someone touching his back paws and usually would snarl and run off. This time, he didn't even flinch. I called Kei again and checked where he was. I had to finish getting ready to leave, so I pulled up the info for the cat hospital for Kei, and talked to Mikey as I got ready.

When Kei got home, I was leaving. I told him to call me and keep me updated with what was going on. I knew something was very wrong, but I figured it was something fixable. After a few phone calls, Kei got an appointment with a vet and called me. I turned around from where I was heading and headed to the vet. Mikey still was not moving and just kept howling. Kei didn't even put the door on the carrier - Mikey just laid there with his head on the opening ledge.

The vet had bad news. Mikey's bladder was blocked and as hard as a rock. He was showing signs of blood poisoning. They suggested doing blood work and unblocking him, putting a catheter in, then flushing him with fluids to get the infection out. But, they were closing in 15 mins and we would have to be transferred to an emergency vet or else Mikey would be alone for two days. Leaving him alone was not an option. His bladder was close to bursting, so the vet drained it so that we could go to the emergency vet and have them handle everything from there.

The draining only bought us time. He was still lethargic, but no more howling in pain as I drove. Kei was in contact with his mom, who told us that no matter what, if there was something to fix him, she would pay for it. When we got him into the room to be checked by the emergency vet, he still only laid there - but was much more pissed off about things. The tech couldn't touch him with out getting snarled at. Kei kept petting Mikey and calming him down. But the vet was pretty sure that this was not just crystals or a normal blockage. She told us it could be a tumor, it could be something else altogether and the blockage was just a complication from it. Nothing could be figured out until blood work was done. To do blood work though, they would have to unblock him. But, there was no definite that he could be unblocked, or that he would survive the sedation needed. At this point, he had bit a tech (hard) and a bite report had to be filled out (yay for California laws >:-( ) and he wasn't letting anyone near him.

We knew what we had to do. At over $2,000 for the procedure that wasn't sure to help him at all, and probably would do more harm and cause him more stress, we knew. I called Mad's Aunt Jen and she came and picked him up. I asked her to go do anything with him - as long as it was safe and legal, I would pay her back. Kei couldn't talk to his mom at this point and I went out to my car to call her. I told her what was going on, and started sobbing. I told her I didn't want to make the decision but I didn't want Kei to have to either. This was the cat he had raised for 10 years - from the time he was able to fit in Kei's palm. But now, our 14lb Maine Coon cuddly bear was barely 9lbs and out of his mind from the blood poisoning. She offered to come be with us, it was so kind. The techs and vet were worried that things could go from bad to worse at any moment and needed to know our decision. We told them we just needed to get Mads off with his Aunt, and they understood.

Mads was getting antsy, so we told him that Aunt Jen was going to take him somewhere fun so that he didn't have to wait so long with us. He had done amazingly well for a 4 year old, but we didn't want him to be there for the whole thing. (To be honest, we also didn't want to be mommy and daddy while dealing with this. Kei had gotten Mikey right before we had started dating - he would get jealous of me when we dated, and was our "baby" before Mads was born. He was the first pet that Kei had raised from a kitten. He was a part of our entire relationship. ) Mads knew that Mikey was sick, and probably wasn't going to come home with us. But we left it at that.

Moments after Jen left with Mads, my mother-in-law got there. We all went into the exam room again. The tech told us that he probably could not bring Mikey back in for one last goodbye. Mikey was snarling and trying to attack everything. The tech said that also because of CA law he would have to put a catheter in if we wanted to be with Mikey when he was put to sleep, and that it would not be easy on Mikey if we chose to do that. It seemed like b.s. (I've been there for 3 animals being put to sleep), but we didn't want any extra stress on Mikey, and we didn't want to see him when he was already not there mentally. Kei signed the required papers, and as the receptionist was talking to us about our options for his remains, we heard Mikey snarling and growling in the backroom. Then it was quiet.

The vet came back in after a bit and told us she believed we had done the right thing. She said if it had just been a mild infection, he would have improved after getting his bladder drained. But he had gotten much worse. We knew we had done the right thing for him, but we still felt awful. We still wanted our grumpy fluff ball to go home with us, to snarl at Suki and leave tumbleweeds of cat hair everywhere. We wanted him to be snuggling with Mads while he slept, even though he barely tolerated Mads when he was awake. We wanted the little bear cub of a cat that liked to burrow in blankets and sleep on the clean laundry.

It was very comforting to have my mother-in-law there. She got me to laugh by calling me and herself "marshmallows" as we cried. She pointed out somethings that we hadn't thought of, but that helped us feel we really had done the right things for Mikey. I called Jen, she told us she would keep Mads as long as we needed. We went out to dinner with my in-laws, then went to get Mads.

Jen had prepared Mads a little (thank goodness!) and told him that Mikey was very sick and that if the vet couldn't help him get better, then Mikey might have to go to kitty heaven. But in kitty heaven, Mikey would be fine and get to play with other kitties all day. He was happy with that thought. Kei and I talk on the way about how to tell Mads. We don't want him to know that Mikey was hurting. We also don't want to hide death or make it something bad and scary. But we can save the really hard stuff for when he's older. We decided that since it was so late, that we would tell him Mikey was still at the vet for the night. Mads didn't ask until we got home and ready for bed anyways. We told him that Mikey was very sick and the vet was going to see if medicine would help. Maybe we're pansies for not telling him last night, but we felt it would be better to save it for the morning. We plan to tell him today that with how sick Mikey was, it was better for him to go to kitty heaven, so that he wouldn't be sick anymore. We'll tell him that we'll miss Mikey but we'll always love him and have him in our hearts and memories.

Heck, honestly, I don't know how the talk will go, but we'll wing it as best as we can.

Sad

I know I am not the best parent at all times. Maybe not even half the time. But I do try. I put in effort. While at work, I think of games to play with Mads when I get home. I read parenting books when I am stumped about something and need a perspective that is not mine. I listen to what other parents have done and take what I can from those experiences. I try to be calm and not let my own anger take over.

Simply, I really do try and I know that I can be a great mom, even if I'm not there yet.


I don't like to talk about my marriage much right now. I don't like to think of the things Kei says to Mads that make my heartbreak. I do think of them...but I hate to. I have highlighted Dr. Sears books. I have printed and emailed articles to Kei. I have backed off and let them figure things out themselves. Kei can be a great a great dad. But he also hurts Mads in ways that tear me up. Nothing physical, but emotionally.

I worry and hope that I will be able to be enough of a parent to Mads that he will still grow to be the man I hope he will be. I worry and hope that Kei finds it in himself to change (because I can not change him and I am doing my own soulwork on that issue). I don't mean big changes either. Just more love, more respect, more caring. More playing instead of movie watching. More encouragement and involvement instead of disappointment and telling Mads to go play.

Most of all, I worry that I might have to provide for Mads and myself with out Kei one day.
It breaks my heart.
I hate the idea.

But I hate hearing Mads say that Daddy doesn't like him.

Fall Fashion

Just a quick question:

Seriously, wtf is with the new fall clothing trends? Shift dresses and high waist pants? Short, fat girls around the world are s.c.r.e.w.e.d.

/rant.

Cabin Fever

(Note - "Go" was because Mads kept asking, "Can I knock it down yet?")

Slushie!

Kei took Mads out so I could get some solo time today.

They went to Target.

Kei bought Mads a blue slushie.

(o_O)

Mads is now running through the house in his skivies, chanting in his own made up language.


(On one hand, it's pretty funny to watch him. But the junk is making him seriously moody too. Which sucks. Big time. We're hoping to wrangle him into playing a board game or making silly sentences or anything that encourages not shouting and not swinging from the rafters like a baboon.)

Photo Ketschup

Visuals to the previous posts:

Photos to go with the first post - crayon making and water bottle playing:

The boxes from the crayons amused me to no end - they were so old!

The crayons were so old that the wrappers were embedded into most of the crayons and had to be cut off!

Decided to do shades of the colors instead of doing multi-colored crayons.

Meanwhile, Mads continued the water experiments.

He moved onto using a cup to plug the sink, then filling another cup with utensils to make a sail boat.

Eventually, he moved onto striping down nakked and watching Clifford.

Crayons, all formed and cooled. The one above the brown is actually magenta/plum/purple.

Library Day:

Tired after our trips to the library and the post. It was 80-some-odd degrees out, but he insisted on wearing a thick fleece vest that day. (o_O)?

His card and his first picks!

And lastly, the only current photo of me, that's completely unedited, that I honestly can say I like:

Mads got his first library card today.

The best part was when we were driving home.

Mads: "Mama?"

Me: "What honey?"

Mads: "I'm happy that you took me to get my library card."

It was so sweet and simple. It took a lot to keep myself from crying.

More later.

Bad day turned Good

Yesterday, the salt was being rubbed in my wounds.

For starters, it was my first real day off (no outside work, no relatives to babysit) in about two weeks. It was to be the first day for my and Mads to reconnect and hang out. But, because I had some work to do for an upcoming sale, I arranged for him to go to my Dad's house for about an hour in the morning. Not for long, and I figured we could go to the library afterwards, get some new-to-us books, then come home and flip through them while sprawling out on the bed, enjoying the A/C.

I dropped him off, and headed home. Once home, I set to work. Or rather, I tried to. I needed to login to a specific online to do the work, but could. not. get the log in page to let me in. Passwords were checked, logins verified. Nothing was working. I tried for the better part of the hour to get logged in. No luck. The hour of work I planned on doing was wasted. I called Kei to see if he knew of a solution and had to choke back tears. As it was, I didn't even feel very interested in the work in the first place, and now it was going to cut into my day off with Mads even more than it already had. But I cleared my head, took a few deep breaths, and decided that I would pick up Mads and still go to the library and go about the day as planned. The work could be done after he was in bed. Time spent with him is more than worth the late-nighter.

It was 11am, time to pick up Mads and time for the library to open. Or so I thought. While closing up pages on my computer, I noticed the library information page I had left open.

Both libraries in our area opened at 1pm on Fridays. I had misread the time.

More frustration. More deep breathing. Now what? At 1pm, Mads is not a social creature. He's more of a grumbly, moody, snarly creature. Too old to take naps, but still young enough to somewhat need one. The day had been planned with that in mind. But now, the plans had imploded. Now, I had no idea what fun (and free, and A/C'd) things to do to make the most of my day off with him.

I picked him up from my Dad's and he promptly melted down when we got home. The details are unimportant, but it involved mud he had said he would vacuum up (he tracked it in), the sounds a vacuum makes when the hose sticks to the floor, and accidentally having his knee introduce itself to my chin.

In an act of desperation, I grabbed the stack of Mudpies books from his book bin (next to our bed, it's a dollar store laundry basket filled with his favorite night-time reads). I flopped on the bed, assured him it was not time to go to bed (even though Kei and I both read to him in various locations of the house, Mads still figures: mama+book+bed= certain nap time doom) and started telling him the "recipes for fun" that were in the book. The hand drawn illustrations lured him towards me and soon his head was next to mine on the pillow. I flipped the pages and stopped on a page illustrated with a plastic bottle. It was a "magic trick" that involved water, a plastic bottle of any size, a knife, and a hand. We had all of that. Excitedly, Mads and I dashed into the kitchen.

The "recipe" involved poking/cutting a small hole towards the bottom of the bottle, filling the bottle with water, then putting your palm over the top (where the lid would go) to stop the water from flowing out the cut hole. Because the air can not get into the bottle to fill the space created by the water streaming out, it simply stops the water from streaming out in the first place.

Mads was in awe.

The next hour involved cutting holes higher in other bottles, putting cups out to aim the water in to, and just laughing at the silliness of splashing each other with the water. I started to lose interest before he did, so while he was trying to use an orange Ikea cup to plug the sink (thus creating a lake for his Ikea cup with Spatula boat to sail in), I got out the bag of old crayons my Mum gave to me the other day.

Mads wasn't making a mess, plus how hard is it to clean up water, but I still tried to get him to help me break up the crayons to make new ones. No dice, he was at sail in the sink. So I peeled paper wrappers from waxy crayons and marveled at the ancient looking Crayola boxes that had become my treasure. I put 8 cupcake liners into the cupcake pan, filled each one with a different shade, and popped it into the oven (170 degrees). Around this time, Mads had enough of the water, helped me clean everything up, and made a nest of pillows on the couch to snuggle in while watching Yellow Submarine. I waited the 20 mins that I thought it would take for the crayons to melt. After checking on them, I waited another 5 mins. And another. Finally I bumped the temp to 200 degrees and waited 5 more mins. That more than did the trick! The liners were now filled with small puddles of shiny wax. Turned the oven off, took out the crayons. Let them cool for a bit while I sat with Mads. Once the movie was over, Mads and I had burgers for a late lunch. Then, he finally became interested in the crayons. We peeled the liners off and set to work, testing them out. Success! The green was really swirls of lime and forrest. The purple burst with stripes of magenta. For the second time that day, I was one cool mom.

The rest of the night went fairly well, save for the usual head butting that goes on between Kei and Mads. I finally was able to login and get done the work I needed to get done tonight while Kei gave Mads a bath.

So, we didn't make it to the library, but the day was not a waste. Thanks to a water bottle, a bag of broken crayons, and the determination to have a good day.

-Ashley